Have you ever felt like all of you wasn’t welcome or accepted? I think we all have, sometimes in big ways, and it’s painful, isn’t it? Where do you go from there? It sucks the breath right out of you. I know that every time I release a new book, someone emails me and tells me my story helped them find themselves, or it changed their life. I love it that I get to serve as a spiritual support for other people’s journeys toward finding the Divine and themselves, helping people find what they’re looking for on their life path. I love pumping a little oxygen back into the room for other people on their journey. A little breathing space to allow them to be themselves while they’re still figuring out what that means for them.
I know who I am now, thanks to some special people giving me some breathing room, but this journey to accept that has been a hard one. Ever since I was a little girl, I have seen visions of heaven and angels and demons, had dreams that literally or symbolically told the future, and have for that reason always held a fascination for spirituality, the supernatural, dream symbolism, and extra-sensory abilities. I have journals full of dreams and visions and spiritual experiences I was seeking to understand. I felt at the age of nine that I had a clear choice. I could use my abilities to control and manipulate people and to access power through realms of darkness, which is what I was taught by Christian mentors that psychic readers did, or I could use my abilities for good, to help and encourage people and help them heal. I remember choosing to use my abilities for good. But at the time, I didn’t realize that there was very little difference sometimes between being a psychic, and being prophetic in a Christian context, because I misunderstood the source of information and power for psychics’ abilities. Which isn’t to say that there aren’t people out there embroiled in dark spiritual practices or those who are complete hucksters, but I thought psychic readings were devil-powered, whether the psychic was aware of that or not. And that belief held me back from exploring my own abilities for a long time, stuck in fear, only exploring Christian realms of prophecy and hands-on healing prayer–though that was a very meaningful foundation for my understanding of myself and the supernatural world.
Indulge me for a minute. I know that most people I have met these days are well ahead of me on the path of understanding just how fine and right many spiritual realities are and how they align with scientific fact, but that is not where I came from, so please be patient with me as I lay out how this worked out for me. Unfortunately, I’ve had to leave most relationships behind with people who misunderstood these things in innocent ignorance, not because we disagreed so much (though that’s exhausting being surrounded by people who quietly misunderstand you!) but because they didn’t know how to be respectful in relationships and were too afraid to give me the space to be myself. These days I won’t even allow myself to get embroiled in these discussions anymore for the most part, because it’s draining and pointless, but it was a logical and hard-won progression of learning that led me here, and to be honest I earned the shit out of this spiritual growth, and this is my story. So here goes.
The Bible says that the gift of prophecy is to be sought above all other spiritual gifts, because it can be used to edify and build up the Church. Meaning that this is a gift that helps people find God and learn how much He loves them. Christians in the West often automatically align with a theology called God of the Gaps, an old belief in the Church that basically says that if you can’t explain how something happened through science or your current understanding of the world, God must have intervened in a miracle outside the laws of nature (which I don’t believe anyway because it always seemed to me that God would have to be pretty inadequate as a Deity to have to violate his own rules in order to do something special and meaningful–I always suspected that God probably had Rules for the universe’s workings that we didn’t understand, and was operating according to His own completely wonderful amazing natural plan). This was God of the Gaps. But then by default, something else crept in, that people now call Demons of the Gaps theology. This is the idea that if God didn’t do something, and the angels didn’t do it, the only other sentient beings mentioned in the Bible are demons, therefore they must be the default explanation for any supernatural happenings that can’t be attributed to God. If God didn’t include it in the Bible, a lot of people believe that it doesn’t exist, and so treat supernatural powers or natural energies that aren’t currently understood by Christianity or by science as de facto demonic. This even includes a lot of natural energies that are understood by modern science but aren’t understood by the average layperson yet, such as the energetic basis of matter laid out in super-string theory and M field theory, which work together to explain quantum entanglement, non-local cause and effect–what Einstein called “spooky action at a distance.” Parapsychology, folks. The law of attraction, synchronicities, many of these things can be explained quite easily based on an understanding of the energies people put out into the world with their own bodies, and the matching frequencies they attract back to them. And that all sounds very New Age and pseudoscience (not that New Age doesn’t have a lot of things right anyway) but it actually is supported by cold hard science. Why this isn’t more mainstream by now baffles me, except for a sad understanding that most scientists don’t want to explore the connections between science and spirituality because of their own hangups.
Tarot card readers also work with a lot of pagan symbols from old indigenous nature-aligned wisdom traditions that were vilified by conquering political powers in a bid to oust the powerful priestly elite of old cultures around the world, from Roman times to who knows when–that’s always how it works in politics. So many symbols of metaphysical understanding of the world that were carried by old religions became vilified as indicators of Satanic darkness and black magic. Are there people who work with forces of darkness? Yes, undoubtedly. But I was learning that there was a lot of confusion and ignorance around who those people actually were. There were a lot of generalizations going on, a lot of harmful ignorance. Witch hunts and superstition. And all the Biblical references to divination and astrology that I had been taught were clear indicators of God’s disapproval of such practices all seemed to be saying other things. Every single one of those stories and references was making a point, but it wasn’t that divination or astrology were wrong. Unless you interpreted them in a very strange way. I couldn’t accept these assumptions, because this wasn’t just some extraneous thing that didn’t need to be explored because it was potentially dangerous. This was my life. This was my personality and my natural giftings, that kept intruding on my life whether I liked it or not. (You know when your REAL self keeps intruding on YOUR life? Yeah, I hate it when that happens, too. ;) ) It was torture not to be fully welcome in my family, among my friends, at work, and even within myself. It finally began to dawn on me that these people around me who didn’t accept me or fully see me were reflections of the battles that were going on inside myself. In short, I have been hiding my entire life, sometimes even from myself, because I thought I had to choose between being loved and being honest. Sound familiar? I’m coming out, in a way.
Because I was born seeing truths about people from looking at them, and accessing spiritual realms whether I asked for it or not, this led me on a journey, to really do my homework in this area and wrestle this out once and for all. The details of what I found are far too in-depth to discuss in one blog post, though I’m trying to lay out the basics for you. I know, most people reading this probably already understand these things. I grew up in a very strangely isolated religious culture. But even among the average people out in the world, many people would say leave it alone. It’s too much to unravel. There could be danger there. And that’s understandable if you’re not having these kinds of experiences that blast your ideas about time and space and reality to bits. But it’s kind of like figuring out if you’re gay, or finding out why you can see a color no one else seems to be able to see. If it seems to be a part of you somehow, you have to know what it’s about in order to sort out your worldview, and your view of yourself. So, I studied, and I looked for answers. I went to Christian revivals where I had life-altering encounters with God’s love and presence. I read hundreds, if not thousands, of books on all related topics. Comparative religion, mystery schools, metaphysics, theoretical physics’ understanding of the energetic basis of reality and how extrasensory abilities might work, shamanic traditions of the direct perception of nature (because animals and plants were talking to me–fun. I was either crazy in a family of already mentally ill people, or the world was a much richer place than I had been taught, and I didn’t know how to know for sure). I studied the Bible in light of many different people’s interpretations and worldviews, mystical traditions across the world, energy healing and alternative medicine of all kinds–because I was very sick in the meantime from a childhood full of stress and near-death experiences and needed answers for my own healing as well. This mattered to me on every level, and still I needed to know the truth, not just something that would placate my fears or make me feel less pain. I was afraid as a child that God was secretly angry at me, that He would hold me accountable for following His Rules for the universe, whether He explained them to me or not. No pressure. It was just my eternal soul on the line. Everyone around me assured me that God was Love, and then assured me without knowing it that I was by nature INVALID. Not acceptable, scary, crazy, deluded, extraneous, inconvenient, unlovable. Even though they didn’t know that was what they were saying to me, because I was hiding my full identity. I was only showing them the parts of myself they would accept. We all do this in some way, don’t we? And it’s not life-affirming at all. So in private I kept studying, and looking for answers. The right answers, if there were such things, not the ones that would make me feel good. Because I couldn’t feel good knowing I was being bad somehow, wrong, and headed for damnation.
I’m relieved and spilling over with joy to report that the God I encountered on this journey was the opposite of all that. He seemed to be more than a He, first of all, and I began to look into the ways that religion uses metaphor to code mythic truth into religious stories, because what we are talking about here is ineffable, numinous, indescribable truth about who God or the joyful imagination behind the world is and what the universe is and how it all Works. We need story to understand the nature of the universe and God, however unimaginably big and amazing He/She/It turns out to be. I began to connect storytelling and my inclination to understand everything as a story with my growing understanding of all things spiritual and metaphysical. And the result? I finally realized that the gift of prophecy and extrasensory abilities are the same gift, though they can be used in different ways just like any ability, and it is possible for people to interact with different kinds of spiritual entities through these gifts–all kinds. What I discovered was that God seemed to be much more capable AND loving than I had heard of before. The Bible began to make more sense on many levels, not less. Many of my friends walked away from organized religion long before this point, and that’s understandable too. Again–different experiences of the world. How can we judge each other so harshly? Why do I keep slipping back into anger and judging people so harshly? But because of everything I experienced, my faith deepened. God walked me through some indescribably hard times, and I always came out believing more in Him and myself. Every time. My understanding of the world was more coherent. I loved people more. I had mountain-top experiences of bliss, suddenly experiencing the connectedness of everything and everyone, suddenly seeing it all clearly. And then I would descend again, to address another layer of healing, another layer of false beliefs that had held me back. Another layer of judgments I had held against other people for hurting me and twisting me around. Another phase of discovering that what I thought I had been running toward had been running toward me, while I hid and tried to prove myself wrong. But in the end of every phase of growth there came a moment when I knew I had seen and experienced enough proof that the end of it all came down to my own ability to believe it was true. To believe it wasn’t too GOOD to be true.
I was coming home. To God AND to myself. I was raised not to trust my own perceptions, which is a pretty toxic thing when your perceptions are already out of the norm. But I had been given a gift of remarkable experiences of the world that most people only glimpse. So in the end, it came back to trust and faith. Not blind faith in ideas and having the right theology, which I discovered along the way was a rather easy to make but disturbingly sacreligious mistake, but an informed faith in GOD, and BECAUSE of my experience, that I believed I was interpreting in a reasonable way. Faith in myself as well as the universe and God’s plan for it all. So, I’m coming out as psychic. And still a Christian, though most more conservative sects would reject me for my mystical leanings. Call me progressive, emergent, mystical, prophetic, social justice and mercy. I don’t care anymore. I’m way past caring about labels here, and I understand why people use them, and I can’t hate them for labeling the world according to their experience that doesn’t match mine. I’m just running after God, only to discover every time that He’s running after me. It’s a love story with the heart behind the world, and I’m caught up in it. I believe life is a love story for us all, if we’re brave enough to reach out for it when it comes after us.
Being myself in public like this finally is a huge relief to me, even though it means stepping out of that last bit of people pleasing and that I will probably choose to walk away from more relationships over the controlling and disrespectful reaction I anticipate from revealing this. From well-meaning people I love and who love me. I suddenly understand with crystal clarity the pain experienced by my gay brothers and sisters who have done their very best to understand their own identity and experience of the world, and have been rejected by family and friends–only to go on to find a new family and new friends. I wish that hadn’t been my experience, I held on far too long hurting myself and others trying to make people understand me or refusing to be myself out of fear that they wouldn’t understand or accept me. But this is the way it is. And I have been through enough healing for the traumas in my life that I also can say I have a nice shiny gold star from a very good therapist telling me I AM NOT CRAZY. I am experiencing the end of the spectrum of life known as sensitivity. Extra-sensory perception. Telepathy. Clairvoyance, clairsentience, and clairaudience. Inter-dimensional spiritual reality. Yes, I know things about people they didn’t tell me. I can feel God’s love for people and animals and the earth. I can feel animals’ love for God. It’s overwhelming sometimes. No, I can’t read your mind, I won’t invade your privacy, and I don’t know everything. You know how you turn on the radio sometimes, and the words seem to be speaking to you? That’s all this is sometimes. Tarot cards not required. Everyone has experienced this kind of synchronicity hinting at loving guidance in some way, but for some reason my experience of life is built around it. I see visions of the future and hear angels’ voices inside my head, and they have all been leading me toward healing. And I’m not the only one. Boy is that a relief. I’m not alone. They call us Indigo Children, Highly Sensitive People, Empaths, Intuitives. Those of us who haven’t been too crippled by life have always been priests and shamans, as well as lovers and mothers and sons. We’re the psychics and animal communicators, the Snow Whites and Cinderellas of the world. The healers. And we all have a story like this. We all have trauma that led us to ourselves. In fact, some people have noted that a difficult childhood spent walking on eggshells often leads to heightened extrasensory perception in children. Psychic abilities have been called the silver lining of trauma. I wouldn’t trade this experience of the world for anything. I can even be grateful for the pain now, because it was an equally good teacher as the bliss.
In marketing they say every author and brand in publishing needs a USP, a unique selling proposition. What qualifies me to write stories of the overlap between the spiritual and natural worlds? I should say this qualifies. And as hard as it is to still have people in my life who don’t see, who don’t understand, and who in fairness couldn’t possibly think any differently than they do based on THEIR experience of the world, I’m not going to be pushed around and called invalid anymore. I know it must be a huge challenge to these people to be in relationship with me now, and the chips will fall wherever they fall as people are able to accommodate this truth or not. Every day I meet more people who DO understand, and it’s such a blessing to me. The world needs people like me, not because I’m any better than anyone else, but because I’m just as valid and because everyone needs to experience this kind of Divine connection and love. Everyone has these abilities, anyway, and it takes those of us who are high on the spectrum to show them how to access these realms of reality. How many people long to hear what God would say to them and just can’t get there because they aren’t tuned in to hear His voice? I can do that. I tell stories that bring heaven to earth, and bring people back into alignment with an understanding of their place of belonging in creation. Is that enough? To love people and encourage them the way I think God does? I think it is. And I think it’s high time I stopped being defensive with myself and other people and just stepped into being fully myself. So there it is. My final piece of the puzzle I’ve been hiding for 32 years. I’m prophetic and psychic, and it does matter, and it can’t be avoided, and it’s valuable, and it fits. I fit, and you fit, too. Everything in our experience fits, in fact, from pain to bliss. Even the things that shouldn’t ever happen to anyone can be redeemed into something beautiful, into a life story of love.
My fiction is clairvoyant, but I am also now beginning a YouTube channel where I offer a unique form of intuitive card reading–intuitive stories–based on universal story archetypes, dream symbolism, and intuitive connection with the Divine. Do you want to know what story you’re living out, and where you’re headed? Do you have a question for God or the universe about your life path? I can help you with that. I’m available now to encourage you and help you live the best story you can, that fits with your calling and your passion. My Laura Cowan YouTube channel will be a combination of personal videos on metaphysical and artistic topics I’m working with in my fiction and my free weekly Healing Path Oracle readings. Depending on interest and my schedule, I also plan to offer personalized readings, so I can connect with more people on a personal level. Thank you for reading this post, and God bless you on your path. Many blessings of love from me to you. May you find your way back to yourself, fully, so you can really live. God loves you the way you are. He made you that way. You fit, too, and your story is beautiful.